The Paul Ryan Story (What Really Happened)
Last Updated on Tuesday, 15 February 2011 11:19 Written by owen.ryan Tuesday, 15 February 2011 11:19
he Paul Ryan Story (What Really Happened)
I hate cats. Were talking TOTALLY here, and I wouldnt se that word lightly. The problem with cats is that you could spend and hour petting one and then the thing will get bored with you, scratch your arm, fuck off out the window and not come back for two weeks. I fucking hate them. But Aoife, this bird from Thurles I was kind of seeing sort of, like, on and off for a few weeks, she loves them. Most birds basically do.
Anyway this one she had was called Simba, an evil orange little thing. The feicer could open windows and walk through doors and shit. There wed be me and Aoife getting jiggy on her sofa and the cat would be outside on the window ledge pawing away at the glass trying to get in. The next thing youd look down and the thing was there at my feet staring up at me, and hissing and spitting at me.
Simba hated me and basically thats the thing about cats. They get really jealous if they think your moving in on their patch. Theyre big into territory and shit, or so the Discovery Channel tells me anyway. Me and Aoife would be sitting there in front of the telly, getting it on, hands busy on her bra strap and the fucking cat would jump up on the sofa and squeeze in between the two of us and of course Aoife, the total sap, shed go OH! MY! GOD! isnt he sooo cute and sooo clever. She could only ever see good in the little bastard.
There was this one night when we were in her house in Thurles watching Friends, which is her favourite program, and all of a sudden Simba starts licking my hand and at first I thought he was actually trying to make friends with me. Turns out he was tenderising my flesh before he sank his teeth into me. Now and then Id try to persuade her to make me a cup of tea, when she was out in the kitchen Id try to hit the thing with the odd sly kick. The bastard was usually too fast for me though.
But then one night when I was swinging my Toyota Corolla into her driveway I felt this bump under the car and I knew straight away what Id done. For once in its life the fucker just wasnt quick enough for me. I swear to God it was an accident although I knew Aoife was never going to believe that especially after all the times Id threatened to kill the little shit. I got out and checked the damage, I thought there was a dent on the bumper but it turned out it was only a bit of fur, stuck on with blood. Im not being a pric but the cat didnt suffer, had he still been alive Id have to finish him off with the car jack, which wouldnt have been a pretty sight.
I decided not to tell Aoife what happened, one because shed be too upset and two it would ruin my chances of getting my bit that night, so I slapped the thing into the boot of the car and decided to drive home later through Borris and through it into the river there. She’d be pretty heart broken when Simba didnt come home but shed just presume itd gone off to live with some biddy who fed him, I dont know, cake or chocolate.
So I went into the house, acted natural, the whole lot. Her parents were in Dundrum playing Golf. She puts on this video, Cats-The Musical. I have to say, I felt like such a gimp at that moment but there was nothing I could do. We ended up having a really great chat. I dont think I need to go into details about what happened next. Not being big headed or anything but basically I ended up staying the night. Ill spare you the details but were talking TOUCHDOWN!!
The next morning she brings me a fry in bed, the whole lot, sausages, bacon, egg, mushrooms, toast. Have I struck gold or what?? As she gets out of the shower she asks me whether I could drop her off at work. Im sitting in the car with the engine ticking over waiting for her to lock up the house, put on the alarm, blah blah blah blah
She opens the passenger door and she goes Whats that smell Paul? Im there sayin I dont know, I told her it must be the exhaust and Id have to get it looked at. She had this big bag with her so of course she shouts into me, Ill put this in the boot and that was when I remembered what the smell was. But it was too late to do anything at that stage.
Oh my god, you should have heard the screams. Half of Thurles did. People started coming out of their houses and stuff. Shes there going He killed Simba. He killed Simba. I have to say the cat was not looking a pretty sight at that stage. Were talking rigor mortis here, its teeth were showing, its eyes were rolled back into his head and there was a few bluebottles buzzing around where the blood .. you get the picture.
I actually thought the neighbours were going to lunch me, they were all looking at me as if I was Sadam Hussian or someone. Im just there saying it was a fucking accident. Aoife runs into the house bawling her eyes out and I go Aoife text me later, after work and this ould lad comes up to me a real Mother Theresa and goes I dont think you should show your face around here ever again.
I went totally ape shit at that, I grabbed the cat or what was left of it out of the boot and basically slapped it down on the ground in front of him and all this blood and shit splashed all over his shoes and Im there You fucking bury him so Jesus Christ if you so fucking smart.
Hoping to get back in with Aoife next Saturday night in Hayses, I met one of her friends, a big tank of a one she said Aoife will be there. If I play my cards right and fill her with soppy shite about how I couldnt sleep thinking about poor Simba..blablabla..etc.etc., then the back of me 93 corolla should be seein some action pretty soon again!
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