Paddy Kennedy – The Diary Of A Honda Civic Driver

Last Updated on Tuesday, 15 February 2011 11:06 Written by owen.ryan Tuesday, 15 February 2011 11:06

Paddy Kennedy- Diary Of A Honda Civic Driver

Monday:

Woke up at 7am; give a quick look at the car to make sure its still outside. Yep its there.  Another night that I wasn’t targeted for a car theft. Maybe because it’s a Honda Civic, no knacker will steal from a knacker?? Knackers rule!! as they say.

I can’t afford an increase in insurance if it does get stolen anyway, I’m already getting screwed.

Had quick breakfast, milk 2 sugars in tea, ham sandwiches made for lunch hour, drop of mustard, kettle boiled and flask o’tea ready. Good start to the week anyway, filled up the car with juice on the way to Thurles. Got stopped on the way to work again this morning, at the petrol station, this time the Garda said I was buying petrol to inhale the fumes! They’re always trying to single me out, I don’t know what I did to get so much shit from them every week.

Good day at work, no-one really givin me grief. Everyone just letting me get on with the work.. I noticed that Seán padlocked his toolbox today when I came into the workshop, so did Johnny and Mike last week. I wonder do they know something I don’t?? I may invest in a padlock just in case. Got home late around 9, had to go into the Garda Station for an hour, they said they followed me home from Ballaboy in Upperchurch to the house and that I was doing excessive speed on secondary roads and ignored 2 yield signs. Of course it was excessive, Iraq would be proud of some of these roads, I can’t be hangin around up there all day in the hills. They let me out anyway, the Seargant gave me a “stern” warning and said he’d be keeping an eye on me!

Tuesday:

Didn’t sleep to well last night, was wondering if the cops will squeal to Axa and hike up my insurance, I cant afford the 5k I’m already paying out. And that’s only for 3^rd party and fire cover, bloody rip off, I cant wait until I’m out of the ‘incredibly seriously high risk’ category and maybe drop to the ‘seriously high’ or ‘moderately high risk’, then I’ll be sucking diesel, better keep that quiet. The cops think I’m a total petrol head at the minute anyway, just because my car is quicker than theirs out of the roundabout at T.I.

The mother says if I got myself a nice Fiat Uno or Cinquecento that it’d slash my insurance down to a grand, as if that would happen. No no, the civic is hear to stay. Work is goin well though, everyone is always apologisin to me and getting out of my way in there, you’d nearly think they were afraid of me because of my honda civic!!!

Wednesday:

Filled up the fuel-tank again, maybe I should take it handy, it’s costing me a fortune to keep it in juice. Maybe I should cool down on the 0-60 in 5.55 seconds take-offs and I should try drivin above third gear on the main road??

Naaa, the car buzzes along lovely in 3^rd gear, makes people pay attention. Must be something wrong with the catalytic converter or the head gasket, cant afford to check it out though, a good long drive to Nenagh at top speed should warm her up and blow out the cobwebs.

Heard from a reliable source that if you drill holes in the exhaust it gives the car a nice purr.

I gave it a try, sounds more like a growl than a purr to be honest, all these young lads staring at me now goin through the main street in borris the other day.

Thursday:

I’m going to christen the car Toni from now on, as in Tony the tiger from frosties, but its too gay to call your car a man’s name so it’ll be the girls version: Toni. Give her the first test drive after breakfast. BLOW ME!! The noise out of the baby girl, this is more like it, the honnies will look twice at me now. Met a group of caravans, probably on the way to the seaside, but got big salutes off them, I knew my car would make the difference.

Got stopped coming home from work by the cops AGAIN, asked me for insurance, tax, licence, birth cert, fixed abode, asked me about servicing my car and tyre wear too. ….. for a while I thought I was on candid camera from the carry-on of the boys in blue. They had nothing on me so I put on my DJ Sammy Cream of Ibiza 1999 Gold Edition CD full blast and gently pulled away. I gave it the boot when I was far enough away though, but when I got home some old granny was after ringing the mother on the phone to complain about me driving too fast and threatening the Guards on me. When she got off the phone she gave me a dirty look too, says I’ll have to move out if this “dangerous” driving doesn’t stop…

What’s another complaint, they have nothing on me.

Friday:

Waahhooo the weekend!!

Well it was good, got off to a bad start, had a Garda helicopter follow me to work, I thought I saw some army snipers in the bushes, but I could have imagined it. I found out why the lads in work are buying pads locks for everything, they think I’m going to nick the place. Why they think that about me I’ll never know. Have my full driving test in the morning, i’m sick of driving around on my fourth provisional, hopefully this time I’ll pass it and bring down my policy. Got a few tips from James Kennedy about the test, he’s a wise head on young shoulders. We both agree that there’s no way I’ll go to a driving instructor, ha, imagine me going around the place with a big L sign. Yeah right. Anyway, James has done the driving test 8 times already, he knows what he’s on about, his 9^th is on the way in November.

He said the best idea is to crack a joke starting off, to break the tension and to show him that you’re not a scumbag. James thinks I should play chillout music in the background, even if its just to calm yourself down. James is a walking fountain of knowledge. I can’t go wrong if I go by him. Went into Dunnes and bought Euphoria Chillout Sessions Essential Mix for the test.

Saturday:

Got Toni washed for her big day out, full body wax, toned and trimmed looking now!! I had her lookin so blue and shiny you’d nearly think it was an ‘04 Civic and not a ‘92.

I purr into the test centre, give a big rev of the engine going in, there was a young ‘wan going off to do her test, thought I’d impress her. The lad in the passenger seat with her holding the pen and paper didn’t look too happy though, kept staring through the tinted windows at me, strange customer whoever he was.

Turns out this ‘ould fella was the driving tester, bummer. Looks like she passed, probably flirted her way to a pass. I go into the office anyway, no chit-chat or anything and you’re man starts firing stupid questions at me that everyone knows the answer to:

Q: Patrick, when driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when pulling out?
A: Always wear protection.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Get so shit faced that you can’t find your keys or the ignition.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and let down the tinted windows if there’s a nice bird in the other car.
Q: What is the difference between a red traffic light and an orange traffic light?
A: They are different colours.
Q: Can you tell me please Mr. Kennedy why is it difficult to be a Garda Siochána?
A: Sure it must be tough to be a dickhead all day long

Well I definitely got %100 in that, I knew I would cruise through the driving part now.

Got into the car, and 1^st thing I cracked my joke about the little blind girl that James told me.

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, “Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?”

Her mum replies “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning.”

So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girl’s eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted “Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again.”

So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said “But mummy, I still can’t see.”

To which the mother replied, “April fool!”

Somehow he didn’t take it too well, he kinda put his hands in his head and wept quietly in fact. I put on track 1 from Euphoria, DJ Faithless, just to settle me into the driving and help the ould lad to chill back a bit. Anyway, turned out this lad has a serious attitude problem, I’m only gone about half a mile on my country drive when he starts shouting at me to pull over and let him out. I’m there shoutin at him: “its in the rule book that we’re not allowed to talk to each other so cop on and stop trying to make me fail”. Then he went mad and was about to jump out of the moving car, lunatic, and I’m going a fair speed at this stage, (want to get the driving out of the way as quickly as possible), and he starts taking off his seat belt and opening the window. Then what do I come across; a Garda checkpoint. Bloody hell. Get two points for my passenger not wearing a seat belt. He begged the guard to bring him back to the test centre. I was pure bullin’ by now. Got back to the test centre, went into the office, fingers crossed to get my full licence, and there he was inside, now acting all tough after he crying like a little girl to the cop only a few minutes ago, saying shit about safety bla bla. He then gives me a FAILURE!!

Well I leaned over and said a few words in his ear, threatened him with going to the supreme court for a government official being the sole cause for a learner driver getting two penalty points and that his job will be gone in the morning. I also threw in I know people in high places, just for the laugh like and that he would lose his cosy pension. That changed the look on his face fairly quick.

Yippee passed my test. First person I texted driving out of town to was James, and said, “You’re right about the joke, it done the trick, I aced the test, the theory and the driving”

Sunday:

Went out last night to celebrate the driving test. Scored with a young ‘wan from one of the estates in town. Lads were taking the piss saying she had hoopy earrings and a slutty skirt, I said she looked like J Lo, and the blue knee high boots she had went well with the Civic.

The car definitely done the job with this young ‘wan though, that’s why I love her so much, the car not the J Lo look-alike, she came over asking about the speakers and the alloys. She was as easy as flicking a switch.  I think I’ll buy a chrome petrol cap for Toni just to say thanks, or maybe a big Honda Civic sticker for the front windscreen…

Note: Onthewing does not condone unsafe driving or the use of excessive speed, nor do we endorse any of the activities that you have read about in this diary.